Friday, 25 March 2011

Hoxton Trendies

One day, apparently, some achingly hip individual thought it was a good idea to go into the hairdressers and say “just shave off the sides, my good man, but leave a decent crop sprouting out the top of my head; enough to twist into an oversized quiff that I can curl sneeringly over my thick-rimmed, lens-free specs, which – by the way – I wear ironically”. And with the tragic birth of that hairstyle, London would never look the same again.

Oh, the Hoxton Trendies; my least-favourite denizens of this otherwise glorious city. That subset of society, the self-proclaimed embodiments of cool who glare witheringly at anyone unfortunate enough to cross their paths and not be in possession of a vintage GameBoy or a synthesiser or a flat in Bethnal Green. It’s the satirical use of 80s jewellery (Hello Kitty necklace), music (ghettoblaster trumps iPod) and clothing (I’m not wearing these neon legwarmers because I like them; they’re a postmodern reflection on our society’s inability to conceive radical new concepts and yet tragically fail to recycle effectively thus ruining our beautiful planet, yeah?). It’s the identikit clothes, floral headscarfs, slick of red lipstick and cats-eye flicks; the uniform which somehow, bizarrely, utterly incomprehensibly, lends them the wholly misguided conviction that despite being visually inseparable, they are each one of them unique in their clothing choices. It’s shoes without socks. It’s only liking unsigned bands. It’s the gigantic headphones. If they don't cause you to stoop when you walk, they're too small. If you require a separate bag to carry those bad boys because your satchel can't cope with the added burden, you're on your way. It’s the . . . oh, actually, those headphones are quite good. The bass is really thumpy . . . and the treble’s really . . . trebley . . . and they’re lovely and soft . . . No. No, Robyn. You’re getting sucked in by the propaganda. Those headphones are crap. They are poor quality and the sound is tinny and they in no way make me look as if I know more about music simply because I am listening to it through a more sophisticated and expensive medium utilised only by true aficionados of melodic and lyrical quality.

Except they kind of do.

God help me, I’m moving to Shoreditch.

NB For further understanding, I beg you to watch this video.

1 comment:

  1. Very funny as always! Just to let you know, I have nominated you for a Versatile Blogger Award.