Wednesday 1 June 2011

Stuff that up your Olympics

For the last couple of months – no; years, in fact – there has been something of a conundrum boiling away in the recesses of my mind. Slowly, as I pondered the dilemma, the deadline approached and a verdict needed to be made. A month ago, it was decision time. Will I regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t go the Olympics?

My view on London hosting this historical event changes dramatically on an almost daily basis. At times, I’ve felt honoured and excited. At others, I’ve been utterly indifferent. I thoroughly enjoyed giving France the finger as we waltzed off with the winning bid, and then felt the colour rise when they gave it back – twice – as we fell into a recession and the rest of the world sniggered at our gargantuan white elephant. Sometimes I forget all about them until I try to get on the Northern Line at Tottenham Court Road and then I blame Sebastian Coe personally for shutting down the entire station as they build that bloody Crossrail so that tourists don’t have to cope with the trauma of changing lines on the tube which Londoners have all managed to do perfectly well for 150 years, thank you very much. I’ve resented my taxes trickling away into a shiny new stadium for people on stupid bikes with coloured-in wheels to whizz around at breakneck speeds for no apparent reason. I mean honestly, if you’re going to ride a bike, surely the point is to actually arrive somewhere? At least when you run a marathon, you get to see things. And rowing gives you all that fresh air. But there is also clearly no space for a basket on the front of those machines. Where exactly are you supposed to put your shopping?

Of course, this was all purely hypothetical. It wasn’t even purchasing; it was just application. I was up against the entire world. There are ten million people in the Greater London area, a guaranteed deluge of tourists who’ll already have bought their flights in anticipation, guaranteed ticket-holders amongst the competitors’ copious (and no doubt recently emerged) friends and family and on top of all of this there’ll clearly have been an over-subscription for the pretty events because let’s face it, nobody wants to see table tennis or rounders or javelin or fishing. Why did I even bother? It’s expensive and stupid and I DON’T EVEN LIKE SPORT ANYWAY.

So I applied for BMX and synchronised swimming.

And then I didn’t bloody get either one.

I hate the Olympics.