The Great Quest Begins

Question: if you knew potential buyers were coming to take a look at your property, would you be inclined to run a duster over a few surfaces? Close your cupboard doors, shove your laundry into a basket, draw the curtains, get out of bed? I know, I know; a pipe dream. A blissful utopia. I am too naïve and hopeful for my own good.

Tenants are a strange lot; student tenants yet more so. Under the impression that we would have the run of the joint, I cheerfully followed estate agent number one (Neale “excess of personality” du Foxtons) into our second property of the morning.

The first, incidentally, was roughly one hundred grand over budget and fit precisely none of our criteria, despite me having outlined a clear and simple checklist the week before. Estate agents, it turns out, are woefully hard of hearing. But I digress.

Considering Neale had received no response to his repeated banging on the door and greetings of increasing volume, we were slightly surprised to stumble across the first catatonic form in the smallest bedroom. Expressing an insincere hope that he wasn’t dead, I donned my best Tube face (if I pretend there’s nobody here, then there’s nobody here), popped my head around the door and brightly chirruped “oh yes, it’s bigger than I thought” before trotting after Neale towards the second bedroom. He emerged rather quicker than either of us had expected, blushing crimson. “There are, er, two people . . . in, um . . . in there” he mumbled. I wasn’t too bothered. My level of shockability had been dampened by the detritus in the sitting room, my first sighting of which belies my innocence as I wondered, bemused, why someone would leave a £20 note lying around where anybody could take it . . . even if it were carefully rolled into a tube . . . and half hidden under a couple of credit cards . . . on a plastic plate . . . oh.

I can’t say that I was expecting miracles as a first-time buyer on a sub-par budget, but accidentally stumbling onto a post-coke, mid-coital couple was not quite the level at which I had been aiming.

After that, the fact that the kitchen ceiling in the third property we visited was held up with masking tape barely registered on my radar.

I think this is going to be a long journey.